So I've officially decided that I could classify myself in the "British" category for self esteem. British people are categorized as the type of people that always put themselves and their current situations down while talking to others about themselves.
While home for Christmas vacation I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. While running into people I haven't seen in awhile, I hear the word vomit come out of my mouth constantly. Whether it's about me not being in love with California, my job and especially boys, it just doesn't stop. This word vomit as of late especially is getting much worse than it used to be...
Back in LA I get so unhappy and upset at work about current situations that I can feel my blood start to boil and my heart start to race. There are so many days I just want to scream/cry or even just quit. I hate that I've let myself become one of those people that wants to quit. I hate not feeling in control, I hate feeling like I'm stupid and I really hate when I feel like I'm not being recognized for the things I do. I feel like I'm a smart, hard-working, talented and usually rather driven girl. So how have I let myself get in the situation where I'm working for a complete asshole with no education that takes all the credit for the work that other people do? How can I get myself to just take a deep breath and not let the situation bother me?
I guess I just need to do the best I can to make it through each day and reflect on the positives. I have a job, I have people that care about me, I can afford to pay my rent and I have an amazing family to support me even when I have my many panic attacks. I know that if due time I will have a different job, eventually (but not soon enough) I hope to get myself into a city that I want to live in and while the outlook seems bleak, I hope to one day find an amazing individual that will make me completely forget about the boy that broke my heart into a million little pieces.
Until then if there is anyone out there in the universe that has any recommendations as to help me further myself from feeling like shit, I'd love to hear it. I'd also love to figure a way to get myself as far East as possible with the furthest distance being to foggy London town.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Think about it.
If I told you things I did before
Told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me?
I need to get out of this rut. I thought I was done, but this may very well just be the start of it all...
Told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me?
I need to get out of this rut. I thought I was done, but this may very well just be the start of it all...
Monday, August 17, 2009
Lesson Learned
Always trust your gut...always. Mine has been pretty spot on, especially as of late. I hate doubting myself or my first instinct, but its always best to listen to that little voice in the back of your head no matter how hard it might be.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
STOP!
WHY CAN'T I JUST GET OVER IT?!?!
Well I guess probably because I still have absolutely no clue as to what happened.
FUCK.
Well I guess probably because I still have absolutely no clue as to what happened.
FUCK.
Monday, July 13, 2009
My life as of late...
I will first note and realize that I'm not very good at keeping habits and rituals. Hence why I probably never excercise, take vitamins on a regular basis, write down things, call people, etc etc etc. Because basically my life has resorted as of this past month to me working or sleeping. Thank goodness this past weekend I finally have had some time off and have made the effort to be social because I've become a complete recluse and emo child this past month and I wish I didn't let this happen.
I feel that in the past few months and especially since moving out to LA I've become much more of a mature grown up than what I was prior to living out here. I've been working really hard at being honest with myself, with others, trying new things, being optomistic and doing things I normally wouldn't do. So for the most part things have been really great since I've moved out to LA, which of course has been a surprise considering the fact that this is the last place on earth I've ever wanted to live in.
This past month however, I've just let things really get to me whether its been work issues, personal issues and mostly boy issues. I really wish I could not let stupid things effect me and just be carefree and move on....but it's been really hard lately because while doing all this reflection on my life etc, I realized that there has been an unresolved issue for the past 3 years of my life that still has no resolution, just lots of ups and downs. For almost 5 months there have been a lot of ups, but the downs have been a doozy and now are taking a toll on me emotionally. Why is it when everything else is going right in your life you can let one thing (or rather one person) ruin your whole entire mood and outlook?!
Not only does that ruin your mood, but then it starts to seep into other aspects of life and then you start dwelling, worrying and reading waaaaaaaaay to much into situations that you otherwise might not read into. Not only that, but as of late I have a lot of doubts....I doubt myself, become more and more insecure, feel ugly, stupid and foolish.
UGH. RANT, RANT, RANT. This is what my life has become. I want to stop thinking about this person and I'm sure that some of my friends would love me to stop talking about this person as well. Why can't some people just be honest to others or rather themselves and grow up?! You think by your mid 20s you'd be able to have a normal, healthy relationship...but I guess for some that is much easier said than done.
I feel that in the past few months and especially since moving out to LA I've become much more of a mature grown up than what I was prior to living out here. I've been working really hard at being honest with myself, with others, trying new things, being optomistic and doing things I normally wouldn't do. So for the most part things have been really great since I've moved out to LA, which of course has been a surprise considering the fact that this is the last place on earth I've ever wanted to live in.
This past month however, I've just let things really get to me whether its been work issues, personal issues and mostly boy issues. I really wish I could not let stupid things effect me and just be carefree and move on....but it's been really hard lately because while doing all this reflection on my life etc, I realized that there has been an unresolved issue for the past 3 years of my life that still has no resolution, just lots of ups and downs. For almost 5 months there have been a lot of ups, but the downs have been a doozy and now are taking a toll on me emotionally. Why is it when everything else is going right in your life you can let one thing (or rather one person) ruin your whole entire mood and outlook?!
Not only does that ruin your mood, but then it starts to seep into other aspects of life and then you start dwelling, worrying and reading waaaaaaaaay to much into situations that you otherwise might not read into. Not only that, but as of late I have a lot of doubts....I doubt myself, become more and more insecure, feel ugly, stupid and foolish.
UGH. RANT, RANT, RANT. This is what my life has become. I want to stop thinking about this person and I'm sure that some of my friends would love me to stop talking about this person as well. Why can't some people just be honest to others or rather themselves and grow up?! You think by your mid 20s you'd be able to have a normal, healthy relationship...but I guess for some that is much easier said than done.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Riddle me this...
Dear Curious Reader,
What the hell is this whole trend where psuedo hipsters and the such are all into moustaches?! Can anyone tell me the who, what, where's of this horrible trend? Also...how can we make it stop!!!
Kindly,
me
What the hell is this whole trend where psuedo hipsters and the such are all into moustaches?! Can anyone tell me the who, what, where's of this horrible trend? Also...how can we make it stop!!!
Kindly,
me
2008 was an absolute shit year...
I'm not gonna lie, 2008 was a pretty shitty year for me at least. Despite the crap, I've learned who my real friends are, traveled all over the US and Europe, met two of my dream men Ezra Koenig and Fabrizio Moretti and lastly have really started figuring out who I'd like to become and where I want to end up...so ok, maybe all in all it wasn't that bad.
However, I will state for the record that '09 thus far is already seeming bigger and brighter. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I could be telling myself this right now and a year from now will reflect and still hate this year as well...
Final Thought on the whole "New Year's" idea:
New Year's resolutions are a waste. I'd like to meet one person who actually makes a list of resolutions for every year and keeps them. Why on earth would you want to make a list to point out your flaws and then make yourself feel worse if you don't accomplish whatever task you've assigned yourself. Instead of making a New Year's resolution I wish people would just live their lives to the fullest and just work on making yourself happy and satisfied no matter what the holiday or circumstance. With that I'd like to say I'm going to work out, eat healthier, be nicer, etc etc etc....but we all know that's rubbish. So here's to a New Year and the unknown and just seeing what happens and where it takes me.
However, I will state for the record that '09 thus far is already seeming bigger and brighter. Although I have a sneaking suspicion that I could be telling myself this right now and a year from now will reflect and still hate this year as well...
Final Thought on the whole "New Year's" idea:
New Year's resolutions are a waste. I'd like to meet one person who actually makes a list of resolutions for every year and keeps them. Why on earth would you want to make a list to point out your flaws and then make yourself feel worse if you don't accomplish whatever task you've assigned yourself. Instead of making a New Year's resolution I wish people would just live their lives to the fullest and just work on making yourself happy and satisfied no matter what the holiday or circumstance. With that I'd like to say I'm going to work out, eat healthier, be nicer, etc etc etc....but we all know that's rubbish. So here's to a New Year and the unknown and just seeing what happens and where it takes me.
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