Saturday, December 8, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
Let's get one thing straight...
First of all yes, this blog is back and yes, oh hell yes...this is about to get real serious, real fast.
Here's the thing about my "blogging". Sometimes things are going to be funny. Sometimes they aren't. Here's what you can do...DEAL WITH IT.
First of all addressing matter #1 that has been very prevalent in my head the past two weeks:
A.) I'd like to apologize to myself and my friends/family for driving you absolutely bonkers of the hypothetical situations I am very good at conjuring up. I have a VERY active thought process and yes, I like to try to exhaust every possible resource. That's just what I do, so SUE me. So thanks for listening and letting me vent, scream, cry, yell, any other exploitative that works in these situations. Much obliged. My brain hurts, I'm sure yours do too.
B.) I might be a titch bit naive at times, but in this really messed up world, sometimes I think that's refreshing. Sometimes it works, sometimes (well lately) it doesn't, but let's get one thing straight...I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY. That's right all you smug little boys or shall I say men children that should at this age be mature, thoughtful and respectful but yes, act like a mere child when anything potentially serious or real comes up. Cause here's the thing you little fuckers...you might think you can pull the wool over this gal's eyes, but you can't. Whether it's intuition or just my simple sleuthing skills, I am one step ahead of you.
I am honestly so sick of men children that think they're so clever. Yes, I was naive and let someone's dashing looks and less than average charm sweep me off my feet and distract me from the rest of the things that have been bothering me in life lately. But honestly, can a girl just get a break?! All I wanted right now was for there to be one thing to cross off my list of things I want to change...while I thought crossing "boyfriend" off the list might be the easiest of things to do, I was certainly wrong.
C.) Through these past few months I've learned that while someone can go through all the motions of seemingly acting like you're their girlfriend, it takes even more energy than one might think. I'm gonna be real here...I have yet to have a decent boyfriend yet in life and through each experience I'm building the repertoire of what one should come to find if someone is actually decent and worthy of being your boyfriend. (Also...they should be doing all the work. We'll put that out there first.)
Through my lack of experience in recent times here's what I've learned from the past few months. (this is gonna get messy...) A potential Jake Gyllenhaal look alike from a potential white trash family in the midwest should not do the following when dating you:
Only text you instead of calling. Not compliment you - honestly I'm not asking for fawning every day, but you can't tell me I look nice or you like my outfit? Never have ideas for a date - I seriously have to plan every date? Oh wait, I'm sorry...were you too busy planning all your dates for your secret online dating account you didn't want me to find. Oh, my bad. Hope I gave you good ideas for other girls! Wait forever to kiss you - seriously you wait for the third date and it's just a peck. Oh also wait again...that was MONTHS AGO. Flash forward to present day dating. Oh yes...you only want to "peck" someone goodbye. Either don't date me if you aren't attracted to me, but while I'm not a huge PDA person, I'm also wanting to find a boy in their late 20's that at least seemingly WANTS to show they're attracted to me in public. Never invites you over or barely comes over - again...don't initiate all these hang sessions and keep this going for months if you're going to be a weirdo. After months of dating normal people have physical relationships. Normal people also want to establish relationships too. Normal boys also want to spend time at people's houses to have the following happen, not only hang out in public spaces ALL the time. While you're now showing your true colors as a modern day "player" with your online credo, NEWSFLASH: most online dating players makeout or have sex with girls and then dump them. You honestly are telling me you want to simply just hangout with a girl for months, pay for everything you do with them and then NOT have anything physical happen or not want to say they're your girlfriend. You also don't hang out with someone for months and do all of these things if you're not physically attracted to someone...right? Why does everything you say versus everything else you do contradict one another. Does this make sense? I've lost all of you by this point in the blog now haven't I?
OH. MY. GOD. MY. BRAIN. HURTS. Honestly, I could go on forever...because THIS IS WHAT I DO. I know if I wanted to try I could logically figure this out because let's face it Codes, I'm smarter than you. Also, asking my friend out and logging into your dating profile on a daily basis is SOOOO CLASSY. Also, remember when you would send me ALL of the photos previously that you'd instagram. Do you think just because I have a blackberry I wouldn't see them and because we never officially exchanged email, twitter etc that in this modern age I can't easily see that you aren't very original. So go ahead and have all your little friends and whatever little legion of white trash girls from back home comment and like your photos all they want. I always knew they weren't ONLY for me. So what, did you just need my validation that I thought they were neat too?
In conclusion. Yes, I thought you were extremely good looking.(I did really let this cloud my judgement.) Yes, I'm disappointed that the one time I thought I met a decent person with whom I had a lot in common with and thought there could be a future with I was extremely wrong. I'm also disappointed that I was finally thinking I could let my guard down and trust someone, but here's the silver lining I suppose...one day, I will and won't get hurt. So until that day comes just know this, I will always be one step ahead of the game and I will always be more clever than you.
With this first installation of what's going on in my brain at the conclusion of this year, I bid you adieu.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
My Roman Holiday
When you least expect it, sometimes life can pleasantly surprise you...
While meeting up with a girlfriend of mine the other day at our favorite local pub, what I thought would be just an average night turned into something far from the ordinary. To make a long story short, we were approached by a very attractive and charming Brit and after conversing for a bit during the end of happy hour, my friend went back to her fiancée and I was off on an adventure.
Of course the insecure part of me figured this gent was either into my friend or was just looking to not be alone on his last night on his American holiday, but soon enough I realized I was dealing with something from the complete unknown. Have you ever just met someone and within the first encounters of this person felt completely like yourself and at ease? People like this are diamond in the rough and something you should truly cherish. So my Brit and I went out on a night of adventure, talked about everything and anything from the quirky to the taboo topics. I've never had this much fun with a person, let alone a complete stranger.
I felt like I was living in a combination between 500 days of Summer and Roman Holiday and Bridget Jones....and yet like those movies, got a very romantic, yet sad ending. Our perfect evening ending with a kiss and a goodbye, but nothing else. I can't help but think that this is tragic, but I also don't know if that was the romantic jolt I needed. It's not like this amazingly perfect guy from London and I could have made it work or even have had anything happen, but now I can't help but wallow in the "what could have beens?"
Dear Universe,
What am I supposed to make of this situation? I've found my Mark Darcy and now he's gone and I just want him back. Please let know what I should take from this situation as my learning experience or at least let the universe work in its mysterious ways to bring us back together.
Sincerely yours,
BND
While meeting up with a girlfriend of mine the other day at our favorite local pub, what I thought would be just an average night turned into something far from the ordinary. To make a long story short, we were approached by a very attractive and charming Brit and after conversing for a bit during the end of happy hour, my friend went back to her fiancée and I was off on an adventure.
Of course the insecure part of me figured this gent was either into my friend or was just looking to not be alone on his last night on his American holiday, but soon enough I realized I was dealing with something from the complete unknown. Have you ever just met someone and within the first encounters of this person felt completely like yourself and at ease? People like this are diamond in the rough and something you should truly cherish. So my Brit and I went out on a night of adventure, talked about everything and anything from the quirky to the taboo topics. I've never had this much fun with a person, let alone a complete stranger.
I felt like I was living in a combination between 500 days of Summer and Roman Holiday and Bridget Jones....and yet like those movies, got a very romantic, yet sad ending. Our perfect evening ending with a kiss and a goodbye, but nothing else. I can't help but think that this is tragic, but I also don't know if that was the romantic jolt I needed. It's not like this amazingly perfect guy from London and I could have made it work or even have had anything happen, but now I can't help but wallow in the "what could have beens?"
Dear Universe,
What am I supposed to make of this situation? I've found my Mark Darcy and now he's gone and I just want him back. Please let know what I should take from this situation as my learning experience or at least let the universe work in its mysterious ways to bring us back together.
Sincerely yours,
BND
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Well there goes that resolution...
Well shit, my idea and resolution from last year to blog and be "tech savvy" went straight to the shitter, didn't it? It's not like anyone out there really cares if I'm writing anything down, but I'm sure it would help me be less worrisome about things if I get things off my chest instead of holding them in and wishing I had the nerve to say what I really felt sometimes.(also, how dumb is it that I have a twitter, this thing, a tumblr, and fb?! Good god, am I a character from The Social Network?!)
Needless to say, this year I've at least started on the right foot with my resolutions which were: 1. To do things I want to do regardless if I have someone to do them with 2. Do something that scares me 3. Well I didn't have a third one, but we'll say be more outgoing and to also get into a regular exercise routine. I highly doubt that latter will ever occur, but I am contemplating buying some running shoes and forcing myself to suck it up and do it. I mean I'll only get skinnier and therefore may finally meet someone that is worth my time. (see my sick and twisted logic in this thinking? why does it always have to go back to that, which it ALWAYS does.)
Thus far, here is what I've done to actually hold up my end of the bargain. While waiting for some friends at a local pub, I went in and sat by myself for over an hour, ordered a drink and chatted it up with some randos...I've also gone to a concert at LACMA by myself (and then had a really creepy guy follow me out to the parking garage to ask me out. I wish I captured that moment it all it's hilarity for someone else to share. It was glorious, his voice and look were unreal and not in a good way.) I've also decided it was time I put my prior foreign language knowledge to work and get over my fear of speaking it as well, so I've signed up for beginning French. We try to only speak in French too in class which scares the heck out of me. I should feel a little bit better about where this year is going, right? I mean the past few years have all been pretty terrible so things have to eventually work out in my favor, or so I think at least...
Here's some random things I've been thinking about as of late:
1. Being absolutely terrified of the idea of never getting married, but also being absolutely terrified if I was engaged now and having to settle down without feeling like my life was put together. (Needless to say, I really am dying over the fact that I have multiple friends planning weddings. I think that's what I'm the most jealous of, I just want to plan an amazing party and try on pretty dresses. I'm a selfish bitch.)
2. Of course the age old question of: What am I doing with my life? What is my purpose in the world? Am I ever going to be really happy and successful and all that other adolescent and now young adult bullshit.
3. Why are some people so fucking stupid?
4. When the hell am I going to get an opportunity to move out of California?
Aaaaah,gotta love the uncertainty of an unstable economy and job market. I always wonder how different my life would have been if I would have just stuck it out with the whole campaign situation...would my life be any better or far worse? I mean everything happens for a reason, I know that of course to be true and despite the sludge of stupid boys I've met, idiot bosses, friendships gained and lost, I do see that it ends up alright and of course, it's always better to go with the flow and see what life gives you.
Man, I feel so mature and OLD, really freaking old. Time to go soak my dentures, turn on my heating pad and hit the hay, my 4:30 am wake up call for day 2 of February roll out beckons, yippie.
Needless to say, this year I've at least started on the right foot with my resolutions which were: 1. To do things I want to do regardless if I have someone to do them with 2. Do something that scares me 3. Well I didn't have a third one, but we'll say be more outgoing and to also get into a regular exercise routine. I highly doubt that latter will ever occur, but I am contemplating buying some running shoes and forcing myself to suck it up and do it. I mean I'll only get skinnier and therefore may finally meet someone that is worth my time. (see my sick and twisted logic in this thinking? why does it always have to go back to that, which it ALWAYS does.)
Thus far, here is what I've done to actually hold up my end of the bargain. While waiting for some friends at a local pub, I went in and sat by myself for over an hour, ordered a drink and chatted it up with some randos...I've also gone to a concert at LACMA by myself (and then had a really creepy guy follow me out to the parking garage to ask me out. I wish I captured that moment it all it's hilarity for someone else to share. It was glorious, his voice and look were unreal and not in a good way.) I've also decided it was time I put my prior foreign language knowledge to work and get over my fear of speaking it as well, so I've signed up for beginning French. We try to only speak in French too in class which scares the heck out of me. I should feel a little bit better about where this year is going, right? I mean the past few years have all been pretty terrible so things have to eventually work out in my favor, or so I think at least...
Here's some random things I've been thinking about as of late:
1. Being absolutely terrified of the idea of never getting married, but also being absolutely terrified if I was engaged now and having to settle down without feeling like my life was put together. (Needless to say, I really am dying over the fact that I have multiple friends planning weddings. I think that's what I'm the most jealous of, I just want to plan an amazing party and try on pretty dresses. I'm a selfish bitch.)
2. Of course the age old question of: What am I doing with my life? What is my purpose in the world? Am I ever going to be really happy and successful and all that other adolescent and now young adult bullshit.
3. Why are some people so fucking stupid?
4. When the hell am I going to get an opportunity to move out of California?
Aaaaah,gotta love the uncertainty of an unstable economy and job market. I always wonder how different my life would have been if I would have just stuck it out with the whole campaign situation...would my life be any better or far worse? I mean everything happens for a reason, I know that of course to be true and despite the sludge of stupid boys I've met, idiot bosses, friendships gained and lost, I do see that it ends up alright and of course, it's always better to go with the flow and see what life gives you.
Man, I feel so mature and OLD, really freaking old. Time to go soak my dentures, turn on my heating pad and hit the hay, my 4:30 am wake up call for day 2 of February roll out beckons, yippie.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
To squat or not to squat.
That honestly is the question that I was faced with on my voyage back to the pits of hell known as LA. First of all I will preface this with the fact that there are only three horrible areas that make you want to shoot yourself while driving. In my 24 years of life these terrible areas are: 1. the stretch on the I-10 between Tucson and Phoenix, 2. Driving anywhere through Texas and lastly, 3. The stretch of I-10 between AZ and CA. Ironically all these driving situations revolve around interstate 10...so basically that road can suck my balls.
So while driving back to California through a really shitty ass town known as Salome, AZ not to be confused with Salami, I had to pee. After I was able to convince my mother to pull over so I could take care of business I realized that we were at a random little market in this extremely small town. The market was honestly one of the most random places I've been to in the past few months, but rather amazing at the same time minus one thing...the bathroom.
For some odd reason the people that ran this fine establishment decided that it was in their best interest to not have a toilet seat on their toilet which raises quite the predicament for us lady folk. I was left with one thing I could do to resolve this issue which was to squat. This caused quite the dilemma for the fact that I was holding a lot of urine in my bladder. Squatting for that long honestly made my thighs burn more than any work out I can imagine. However, maybe that's because I don't work out and I don't know any better. To make myself feel better, I'm just going to assume that I burned a shit ton of calories from this bathroom session.
After leaving the bathroom, I was able to warn my mother about the situation with the lack of a seat but unfortunately did not have the opportunity to warn my younger sister. While we packed the car back up with our new goodies from the market and our empty bladders I discovered a shocking fact: my sister does not know how to squat and pee. SERIOUSLY, who doesn't know how to do this?! So instead of burning the calories and saving herself from the dangerous bacteria and grime that surrounded us to our dismay she sat. I don't know the logistics of this situation, nor do I want to. All I know is I know how to squat and it helps me burn calories. That is all.
So while driving back to California through a really shitty ass town known as Salome, AZ not to be confused with Salami, I had to pee. After I was able to convince my mother to pull over so I could take care of business I realized that we were at a random little market in this extremely small town. The market was honestly one of the most random places I've been to in the past few months, but rather amazing at the same time minus one thing...the bathroom.
For some odd reason the people that ran this fine establishment decided that it was in their best interest to not have a toilet seat on their toilet which raises quite the predicament for us lady folk. I was left with one thing I could do to resolve this issue which was to squat. This caused quite the dilemma for the fact that I was holding a lot of urine in my bladder. Squatting for that long honestly made my thighs burn more than any work out I can imagine. However, maybe that's because I don't work out and I don't know any better. To make myself feel better, I'm just going to assume that I burned a shit ton of calories from this bathroom session.
After leaving the bathroom, I was able to warn my mother about the situation with the lack of a seat but unfortunately did not have the opportunity to warn my younger sister. While we packed the car back up with our new goodies from the market and our empty bladders I discovered a shocking fact: my sister does not know how to squat and pee. SERIOUSLY, who doesn't know how to do this?! So instead of burning the calories and saving herself from the dangerous bacteria and grime that surrounded us to our dismay she sat. I don't know the logistics of this situation, nor do I want to. All I know is I know how to squat and it helps me burn calories. That is all.
Monday, December 28, 2009
I need to get outta this rut...
So I've officially decided that I could classify myself in the "British" category for self esteem. British people are categorized as the type of people that always put themselves and their current situations down while talking to others about themselves.
While home for Christmas vacation I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. While running into people I haven't seen in awhile, I hear the word vomit come out of my mouth constantly. Whether it's about me not being in love with California, my job and especially boys, it just doesn't stop. This word vomit as of late especially is getting much worse than it used to be...
Back in LA I get so unhappy and upset at work about current situations that I can feel my blood start to boil and my heart start to race. There are so many days I just want to scream/cry or even just quit. I hate that I've let myself become one of those people that wants to quit. I hate not feeling in control, I hate feeling like I'm stupid and I really hate when I feel like I'm not being recognized for the things I do. I feel like I'm a smart, hard-working, talented and usually rather driven girl. So how have I let myself get in the situation where I'm working for a complete asshole with no education that takes all the credit for the work that other people do? How can I get myself to just take a deep breath and not let the situation bother me?
I guess I just need to do the best I can to make it through each day and reflect on the positives. I have a job, I have people that care about me, I can afford to pay my rent and I have an amazing family to support me even when I have my many panic attacks. I know that if due time I will have a different job, eventually (but not soon enough) I hope to get myself into a city that I want to live in and while the outlook seems bleak, I hope to one day find an amazing individual that will make me completely forget about the boy that broke my heart into a million little pieces.
Until then if there is anyone out there in the universe that has any recommendations as to help me further myself from feeling like shit, I'd love to hear it. I'd also love to figure a way to get myself as far East as possible with the furthest distance being to foggy London town.
While home for Christmas vacation I can't seem to get myself out of this rut. While running into people I haven't seen in awhile, I hear the word vomit come out of my mouth constantly. Whether it's about me not being in love with California, my job and especially boys, it just doesn't stop. This word vomit as of late especially is getting much worse than it used to be...
Back in LA I get so unhappy and upset at work about current situations that I can feel my blood start to boil and my heart start to race. There are so many days I just want to scream/cry or even just quit. I hate that I've let myself become one of those people that wants to quit. I hate not feeling in control, I hate feeling like I'm stupid and I really hate when I feel like I'm not being recognized for the things I do. I feel like I'm a smart, hard-working, talented and usually rather driven girl. So how have I let myself get in the situation where I'm working for a complete asshole with no education that takes all the credit for the work that other people do? How can I get myself to just take a deep breath and not let the situation bother me?
I guess I just need to do the best I can to make it through each day and reflect on the positives. I have a job, I have people that care about me, I can afford to pay my rent and I have an amazing family to support me even when I have my many panic attacks. I know that if due time I will have a different job, eventually (but not soon enough) I hope to get myself into a city that I want to live in and while the outlook seems bleak, I hope to one day find an amazing individual that will make me completely forget about the boy that broke my heart into a million little pieces.
Until then if there is anyone out there in the universe that has any recommendations as to help me further myself from feeling like shit, I'd love to hear it. I'd also love to figure a way to get myself as far East as possible with the furthest distance being to foggy London town.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Think about it.
If I told you things I did before
Told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me?
I need to get out of this rut. I thought I was done, but this may very well just be the start of it all...
Told you how I used to be
Would you go along with someone like me?
I need to get out of this rut. I thought I was done, but this may very well just be the start of it all...
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